Well i am being asked why i am I feeling this way and I also dont know it for sure, but lets dig into my mind and pen my thoughts down to understand what i am thinking nside me.

I dont know I guess I am having trust issues, more insecurity because i think somehow she will always keep looking for something better and never settle because she shys away from any commitment or promise. So I do always feel a continuous void that i feel the need to keep filling because i do think that it makes me sad to with her always feeling inconsistent. I dont always want to be in a constant competition with her lovers.

Well maybe commitment in terms of what I seek for is just me dating her no future promise but still atleast some stability and not hanging in mid air. I do not find a problem in telling others, i find a problem in defining it for myself, what am I to her, a timepass, someone who is just with or someone who will always be with her.

it makes my already complicated life more complicated, I feel like if she doesnt want it to happen, maybe God is trying to show me signals to back off myself , and stay away from her until such time. because right now, even she messaging someone at 2 am in the night affects me, she doing other stuff on the laptop while she talks to me is a problem to me, these shouldnt be but they are, because somewhere deep own inside I dont trust her.
The solution to the problem is that i emotionally insulate myself, by being away and distant

My Medicine

Thank you for the happiest time of my life.
I cannot thank you enough, happy not because it was going well or anything has been okay and good but only because of the fact that you were the anchor in all of this. The calm throughout the storm. I would rather not write here but with time this has become my source of speaking to myself and not a source for external gratification and acceptance. 

Beginning to realise a lot about myself thoughout this time. My suppressed anger, suppressed feelings about everything which I have been wanting to get out but not getting them out because I am scared of them being accepted by external beings. I have never felt lonelier and more alone. In all my earlier times by brother had always been with me, now he's not. He is not backing me up now, maybe I deserve it, maybe I don't, but either way I think I have lost a lot of him. It breaks me from inside, but I need to stay strong for myself to be sane. I have been ignoring a lot of the stuff that has been happening lately just to be calmer. What happenned with my hand wasn't actually because of people around me, but because I felt empty inside. I think I am going through one of the toughest period of my life. I lack support, both external and internal. I have never needed support from outside but yes after years, my soul feels cracked, but on the surface I need to look sane, because of which I guess I am building aggression inside after years.

I like talking to Dad these days, It has been quite the support but my life had other people, other people that I have disappointed over time, my best friends, my brother, maybe God.
I know there's nothing that can't be fixed, but for the first time I am lacking internal motivation to work, to move forward and to grow again. 
I am stuck in this loop for the last 4 years. Tired of it all now and I don't know how can this be fixed, because I am loosing energy. becoming emptier each day. This lockdown hasn't been frutiful as well.

I don't even know what I love now and what I don't. People ask me about my feelings and honestly I have nothing at all to say. i feel empty. Feels like the time I was in that pool, trying to swim, trying to float, trusting others around me that I will float, but I didnt. That moment and feeling of drowning, and nothing to hold on is how I feel now. I have nothing to hold on to right now.