Well i am being asked why i am I feeling this way and I also dont know it for sure, but lets dig into my mind and pen my thoughts down to understand what i am thinking nside me.

I dont know I guess I am having trust issues, more insecurity because i think somehow she will always keep looking for something better and never settle because she shys away from any commitment or promise. So I do always feel a continuous void that i feel the need to keep filling because i do think that it makes me sad to with her always feeling inconsistent. I dont always want to be in a constant competition with her lovers.

Well maybe commitment in terms of what I seek for is just me dating her no future promise but still atleast some stability and not hanging in mid air. I do not find a problem in telling others, i find a problem in defining it for myself, what am I to her, a timepass, someone who is just with or someone who will always be with her.

it makes my already complicated life more complicated, I feel like if she doesnt want it to happen, maybe God is trying to show me signals to back off myself , and stay away from her until such time. because right now, even she messaging someone at 2 am in the night affects me, she doing other stuff on the laptop while she talks to me is a problem to me, these shouldnt be but they are, because somewhere deep own inside I dont trust her.
The solution to the problem is that i emotionally insulate myself, by being away and distant

My Medicine

Thank you for the happiest time of my life.
I cannot thank you enough, happy not because it was going well or anything has been okay and good but only because of the fact that you were the anchor in all of this. The calm throughout the storm. I would rather not write here but with time this has become my source of speaking to myself and not a source for external gratification and acceptance. 

Beginning to realise a lot about myself thoughout this time. My suppressed anger, suppressed feelings about everything which I have been wanting to get out but not getting them out because I am scared of them being accepted by external beings. I have never felt lonelier and more alone. In all my earlier times by brother had always been with me, now he's not. He is not backing me up now, maybe I deserve it, maybe I don't, but either way I think I have lost a lot of him. It breaks me from inside, but I need to stay strong for myself to be sane. I have been ignoring a lot of the stuff that has been happening lately just to be calmer. What happenned with my hand wasn't actually because of people around me, but because I felt empty inside. I think I am going through one of the toughest period of my life. I lack support, both external and internal. I have never needed support from outside but yes after years, my soul feels cracked, but on the surface I need to look sane, because of which I guess I am building aggression inside after years.

I like talking to Dad these days, It has been quite the support but my life had other people, other people that I have disappointed over time, my best friends, my brother, maybe God.
I know there's nothing that can't be fixed, but for the first time I am lacking internal motivation to work, to move forward and to grow again. 
I am stuck in this loop for the last 4 years. Tired of it all now and I don't know how can this be fixed, because I am loosing energy. becoming emptier each day. This lockdown hasn't been frutiful as well.

I don't even know what I love now and what I don't. People ask me about my feelings and honestly I have nothing at all to say. i feel empty. Feels like the time I was in that pool, trying to swim, trying to float, trusting others around me that I will float, but I didnt. That moment and feeling of drowning, and nothing to hold on is how I feel now. I have nothing to hold on to right now.

Well i miss the days
when everyone used to make an effort to just see me smile, to just make me want to have fun
i kind off like this too, feels like being in the between, but i have so much on my head that i kind off wish thie day wouldnt come, i do have friends but seem to have lost interest in all of them, lost interest in life as what i want to have is not what i have
this face yaar, its fucking perfect, i so want to keep seeing this, but maybe people dont understand how special they are

More than Myself

She sits now in front of me
Vulnerability shadowed
From the light of the day

In the night, all dark
yet pure and transparent
Being pretty in her own beautiful way

Fluid her thoughts
Stable her mind
I hope our bodies soon entwine.

She looks at me
Some answers to be answered
would never want to see her crying

Because in all of yesterday
and the part of today,
I realised, I am the luckiest
To see her at her best and worst

At times she is sad
Reminiscing the old times
At times she learns to build herself

With her beauty, unscathed
With her kisses, untamed,
She makes me want to love her
More than myself.

Through the night

I am at peace, fluid, agile, vulnerable

Able, weak yet powerful, happy

This moment, this right now, 

Is where I get to feel, to live, to love.

Like an angel she lies down in front of me,

Trying to build something for herself.

pretty, vulnerable, weak yet strong,

Hanging on to her smile

Shying away as she sings what she means

I see her, through her, at her, 

Glancing through all that she wishes to tell,

All that she wishes to share.

"Meri jaan" is what she likes,

and that's exactly what she is.

Sometimes I write, sometimes rewrite

Happy times in my sight

looking at her, now and always

As she sleeps through the night. 

The prayer I would change...

Today, on this day, I saw, I close my eyes and see that prayer, the only time I felt God, the only time I heard him, the only time I have made a real promise, I close my eyes and that church stairs wearing my shorts with my black hands from the lead that played with, I kept my tiffin at that window, on the left side of those stairs, people moving around me as it was morning and all students walking towards the class as I prayed not to get hurt by that teacher whose homework I did not complete, I prayed to listen back to something, to listen to him, my God.

That was the most special moment I have had in my life. Why I saw that today was much out of the love I have for someone, so deep that I cannot contemplate or think this was possible, because in the moment that I sit here and thought about her, and what I feel about her, I wanted to go back to that very moment, to that very prayer and promise and make another promise true to me . so true that I want it to be as pure as the first one, the real one, and I went back in time to see all those things moving just as they were 15 years ago at those same stairs. And what I said to God was to alter that promise, to change that a little, because there is something as important as that moment for me. For the first time in my life, it is because of her that I could relive exactly what happened that day, that Tuesday morning when i was 7.

And yes God, do change and alter it as you know am not lying, and this is important. Very important. I beg you to listen to me , just this once. please...please.
Dont hurt her in any way.....ever...if you see what I feel, then you will listen!

The Limits we create!

Limits are some of the boundaries we create for ourselves, to make us feel safer, yet compromised. We build these imaginary walls to show others that we are average, that we do have some limitations because which we can be accepted in the group of people who walk in synchronised sadness each day from home to work and back.

I have seen myself that these walls seen are just imaginary, pseudo walls that make everyone around us comfortable with their own inefficiencies. We do not realise that it is only when we build something with the least of fear, with the highest of trust in ourselves and be limitless, we can do achieve greatness. Greatness in its true sense is not something material, not something that only the elite community have, it is in all of us, lying beautifully in the shadow of your limits, wishing to be found.

At having told someone that they could challenge something and make sure the work gets done, someone once said to me, "mujhse itna saara ek saath nahi hoga" - "I cannot do so much work at the same time." This was something she was passionate about, but she didn't want to get out of her comfort zone, challenge herself and pursue something. Success can only be attained if you believe that your limits are only reducing your growth and that the real challenge is to move ahead of those limits, surpass these limits, and keep challenge yourself and your limits.

As this journey of challenging yourself takes place, it is understandable for you to fell vulnerable, but that is in fact the spice of life. Imagine if you knew when you died, all the thrill goes out the window. At the end of all of this, you will realise that what you said were limits were not actual limits but mind-blocks in your mind which inhibited you to do what everyone did, "ACCEPT YOUR FATE".

So go ahead.... "Build your fate, brick by brick, fearlessly, persistently." Even the Gods bow down to self - generated greatness. Seek no where else for the motivation that you need. You are your motivation, it has to be internal, as all that is external can leave you, but your soul till you die, won't.

Attachments

What is the use of attaching yourself to people, to find happiness in their smiles and do find satisfaction in their well being. In this world, even if you genuinely do care, what you end up getting is distances, and statements that make you feel that maybe you are not deserving enough. I have learnt that one should not expect something back in return for the good that has been done, but he also should not be misinterpret into something that he hasn't done or something he is not.

As the moment you equalise or misread genuine care to selfish motives, the value of this persons efforts turn to zero. At some point in life, I do think, I am getting increasingly affected by the people around me, and that I am becoming emotional. Maybe that is making me vulnerable to people and their continuous going away.

What is the point when every time you find yourself in your comfort zone, that friend or person drifts away from life leaving nothing but memories. Yes I do miss some people a lot as they were not with me for a condition, they were just there, my wall and my continuous solace. I cry remembering what it was, as maybe I did make the wrong choice, maybe that is what God, if there is one, is avenging right now.

A better situation will be when I stop to attach myself to the ones around me, I know it wont get me positives but it wont get me negatives either. I won't see people leaving, going away and make me feel alone for no reason. why does it only happen when I do like a person, I do want to make them smile and just want to be with them through whatever it is they go through.

I am increasingly wanting to be detached and unaffected as all this has taken a toll on me.

My journey

I walk the paths that are less used

Even when it pulls me down and I am bruised

I look ahead towards a goal unknown 

I see no one beside me, all souls unknown

Seeking a non-existent light at the end of this way

Journeying in the darkness, I know the pain will stay

I tell this to myself each day

That there really is an end, far...very far away

I look back behind me, 

And I see nothing

It's like I am blind, 

No support behind me, 

Even when I never seized to be kind.

Where is that voice, the applauded my deeds

Those people in whom all positive vibes breed

Feel like I am the only one here

That voice, those people are lost, I am clear

The irony of life in its truest sense 

You are alone when you need someone for real

I wish to hide somewhere, where no one would notice

A corner of peace, a world of bliss

The final goal is important, the light that shines

My happiness and success, both it combines

But the journey is what I am scared about

As there is no one to listen , even when I try my best to shout.

Letting you Go!

I flow, so slow,
But I just don't know,
Where is it I want to go,
And I just let it flow.

Seeing all you smile through me,
And as I plan to take the pain inside me,
I see, All that I want to see,
But I plead, that once you come near to me.

Coz now, I see all that I should have seen,
Looking into the mirror
I don't see what I want to see,
Coz you have taken a part of me.

And I flow , So slow,
into the winter snow,
Trying to find you wherever I go,
While I know you are not here
But I just keep missing you so.

And now, the time is right when I let you go,
So many memories we made alone,
Our distance keeps me crying and moan.
But you were the most beautiful part of me,
All that I prayed I would ever see,
But the time is now and even when I cant see you leave.

I have to let you go,
All your memories I had sown,
Without you I will be more strong.

To see....See the beauty beside me...
Feel it, live it, As I do believe...
That Now I am Alone....
 

What makes me Content...

The day unfolds in front of me and I see the tiny particles of sand in the small beam of light that shines on my face from the window beside me, I see that day has started and that I need to start acting out my daily chores. But in this mundane and monotonous set of events that surround me, I see that I have been falling in love, not with a person, but with my energy. It gives me happiness beyond compare when I see myself rising back from the shackles of inner despair and instilling in myself the positivity with which I was once so full of. Maybe the bad tide has passed, maybe it hasn't but what I am sure of is that I have garnered enough belief to continue with whatever has been my aim and focus on things that I love even in the sight of danger.

I walk today not because I am being forced to in a certain direction but because I am loving the feel of the thorns piercing through my feet as I know what awaits me is far more precious than the pain that I taste at this hour.

Maybe I had become timid in the past as my dreams were not on their right course making me rethink on my dreams altogether. What I have understood now is that it never was about the dream, but the execution to it that will make the difference. No one was stopping me and no one is now, then my feet should automatically embrace what lies ahead and expect the worst out of the situation so that the least of happiness can make me glad and content.

Someone yesterday asked me how can I feel energetic and content at the same time, well, My energy is in me being content and the more that happens, the more I want to change the definition of what makes me feel content. As I see it, the end, that final goal that I will strive my whole life to get, is the final thing that can make me content. The final goal of Serving others. I seek all this energy not to bestow myself with cars and riches but to give others, the not so privileged a chance to stand beside me and compete with me and beat me, that would make me content, satisfied, as I will create opportunities that others could work on and live a much more happier life. All I need is that smile, the smile a young girl on the street has when you give her something to eat, the smile of the old uncle who you like listening to and the smile of all those people who you talk politely and with love to, that will be all I need to continue on this long and beautiful journey.

I believe the world can be such a better place if all we share were smile and all we cared about was the smile of others, the peace of others and the well being of those around us, as they are the source of our happiness and joy.

So yes, every step in this direction that I take brings me closer to God, more content and much more energetic as to the future that my life entails. Good tales cannot be written as well as they could be lived. So I take the example of Mother Teresa and think that if she could affect the community around her in such a soulful way, why can't I?

What am I to lose in this? I believe nothing. Then why not give it all that I have and sow this seed so that the shade of this tree can be used by generations to come, so that with their blessings and prayers, I might be remembered not for my riches but for my compassion.

Goa...A pilgrimage of Insanity!

My trip to Goa was certainly a roller coaster ride,
With organisers setting us rules we couldn't abide
And as we move into our futures, pretty bright,
We will keep these memories by our side.

I stepped into this, knowing that I wouldn't know many,
But with the train journey, coming close, I knew I had to try,
Coz there are only two options in everything,
To try your best or at your present state...cry.

To my amazement, I found people with souls,
With deep and complex personalities.
Trying to find solace in the Entertainability of Goa,
Some could sing, some could dance, some wrote notes, we all had our capabilities.

I love how I got so Comfy,
With faces so new to me,
I felt glad, rather enlightened,
For so much positivity I could see.

Those times of sailing through the air,
And dancing to each beat of the music,
Times when we lay effortlessly in the sea,
And times of incessant singing of melodies.

We did want to loosen up,
To break most of the rules,
In that we found unity,
Like our classes back in schools.

And when all of it had ended,
We had lived two pretty awesome days,
With our hearts young, and our souls alive,
We laughed, we cried, We lived in a million ways.

I refuse to write individually about these beautiful people,
Because what I saw in them could not be put here,
There was so much to learn and absorb,
I was amazed, it was clear.

The waves, the beach, the music, the songs,
The times of the cruise, the swimming pool part,
These memories of the cruise will always be cherished,
In smiles of purity, all evil had perished.

We live, We love, We move on,
I am lucky you are the beautiful souls I stumbled upon,
I do seek to relive this, and build what we have right now,
Hoping you remember this stupid bearded guy,
And thus I take my Bow...



 

Nervous Birthday...

With everything turning around  me, or rather everything being stale and stagnant, I have so much to do and to process. its like the world is rolling faster than what I had believed it to be rolling at a speed of. I am scared, scared about how life would proceed, how my results will be, will my work continue, am I using my time well, is my dream of owning a company going to be fulfilled, will I study all that I have dreamt of, will I live the moments I have dreamt of. going ahead I don't know where I am going nor what I am doing(contrary to public opinion). We all are confused I guess in some way or the other, and maybe I am too.

And I see these network sites where times is rolling for people, maybe it is stagnant for sometime, but it does give me load to see how fast things are changing and how my lack of effort may lead to my lack of bearing the fruit of success. Well maybe I am thinking too hard.

Tomorrow seems to be my 22nd birthday and I got no idea of what to do and how the will be, too pressurised for it actually. I used to love how my parents celebrated it for me, they would make us lie down at 12 am exactly with our eyes closed and keep all the gifts around us, and then when its 12 I used to read out handwritten letters from my Dad Mom and my brother and then open the gifts. I used to love those days, there was no pressure to go party or to show off your pictures on social sites of the party or to think or plan of what is to be done on the day. I used to love when we used to go for birthday shopping at a store called KJ in Ajmer, it had all the cool stuff for kids, I have gotten most of my toys there, and we used to eat ice-creams while the others were busy shopping. My parents pulled all the right strings when it came to birthdays. I think I still live in that mode where I still expect something to happen, but nothing actually does, some birthdays are nice when you are outside, some birthdays you are up studying and some you just feel neglected.

I don't know what this will entail, but as usual I have no expectations, I have never expected because apart from my family, I don't have anyone to expect from, so at this point its pretty damn clear that I miss them....a lot.... and our home. Maybe this is the way to reach till my dreams and hope its rosier.
but people have told me that these paths are not rosy...EVER....and thus I guess I just need to suck it up and keep rolling in the faith that someday all of this, each second that I am investing into myself will payoff and all I have learnt from the people around me will help me in some way or the other to help others and take care of them.

As time is passing by, I guess I am getting more emotional, thinking about whether I am fully utilising the opportunities I have been given. Every around me inspires me, I have friends around me who are happy at living in shabby places, saving a 1000 rupees in a month, and they can still pull out a smile, and even when I just bought a 10k phone, I am still complaining about all the stupid things in my life. Makes me think of myself as someone who doesn't realise the potential of resources he has been so lucky to have received.

Maybe on this birthday, I do not pray it to be very cheery and party like but just a day when I assess where I am at and where I need to reach and pave a way for doing it. To help someone and to make someone smile, guess that is where true value is generated, true emotions are seen and true bonds are made.
Well today I miss people close to me, will help me who really need the help...that's what my birthday plan is!

That Light really shined on me

Departed my soul, into another realm

Seeking to be discovered

I seek some light, I seek enlightment

In darkness my souls is covered

 

I know my power resides in light,

That light she took away from me.

I know she is gone, I know she is lost

Yet my eyes wish only her to see.

 

I wither like a plucked rose,

Like a drying fruit fallen under its tree,

Like a broken glass, it shattered me,

All I am left with is debris.

 

I see, I feel, It’s not like I’m dead,

Just a lot closer to being paralysed.

I think I am moving on in my mind,

But my soul rejects the plea to move.

 

Was this why I chose to write this now,

A final verdict to the lost cause,

Or I still see that light, too distant though,

I seek to mend paths, only because…

Random Ramble

SO there is a lot to write and a lot to tell, some past months have been interesting for me. So much has happened and so much is happening that the pace of the whole things is unimaginable. I seek to know a lot of what I never should have known earlier. I go from a phase where I have begun to love my most dreaded fears, which is nice, considering my past, that is definitely progress.

Also I have been thinking about this, I never purely ramble on this blog, it is always properly planned written text assorted and played out to you in a manner acceptable to most. So here it is, me rambling.....No edits, just me talking basically to myself. Interesting fact: we normally talk to ourselves in our minds and it is so nice when you can write the same shit...uhhh sorry.... things down.

I have been confused lately about my direction, lot of things on my mind and they all seem to be rolling on pretty well, but still I am going through a saddening phase for no reason altogether. It new to me as of now, but lets just say that is exactly the reason I am confused. I do not know How to solve something when I don't see a problem. Maybe I am thinking too much. People have said it to me a lot of times That I think a lot. Maybe I am this time too.

Also it is so interesting that my typing speed has gone up a lot so if anyone wants me to do some assignment for them, they are welcome.:P I can practically write at the same speed I am thinking :)

So I shifted to a new place today, all squeaky clean, nicely painted but not yet cleaned up. its a nice place in the same place. as in another room from the one I was staying in earlier, The fan is FAST....something that we would definitely need in Mumbai...IT IS SO HOTTTTT!!!

Well I guess I am hungry a bit, so probably will go and check out some kela Shop. as in Bananas....:)
Hoping to see you back Lappy, sitting here as stagnant and lifeless as you can be....:)

P.S. Lappy...you are growing old, time is coming near to replace you...:)

 

Blank

That moment in time, where you have so much to think and dwell on that you end up being blank, confused and dis-illusioned. So many thoughts go through your mind, trying to find a solution, trying to pave a way or find one already made. In despair you think of times to come to be gloomy, as you do not know how they are going to turn out to be. You aim for a better tomorrow but you end up spoiling the broth of these problems by adding too many solutions and as a result give out an aura of negativity. A person close to me had told me that at such times, he just closes his eyes and sleeps. Going into the dreamworld makes him get away from all of them. But that is only until he wakes up again, because when he does, he will see all of them sitting patiently beside his pillow waiting for him to get back up and he will have to face them at some point or the other.

We are prone to collecting problems and keeping them for solution later so as to have the present lesser burdening, but we fail to realise that this action of our s will only be a problem for our future as the problems will not just disappear into thin air and vanish, they will stick until they can get an amicable solution to them from you.

What is advisable therefore, is to stand up, face them and say this to them; "Your time is up". The moment we put ourselves to action, problems start to get solved one by one and we end up being far less burdened and far more satisfied as doing something to solve these problems give us a sense of fulfilment and achievement, thus filling our minds with greater confidence to take them head on in the coming future.

You might think that I am just blabbering here, but believe me, I rarely see someone fighting his problems out, mostly I see, sluggishness, laziness, and an incessant hope that all will get better with time. It will......But only when you act and apply yourself.

So Stand up, face your problems and Start Working.

"The Answer to all your problems has always been inside you, Seek it!"

 

The Sound of people laughing around me

The sound of people laughing around me as I sit in an arm chair, reminiscing the times I have had, the memories I have felt, the people I learnt from and moments when I was left alone, in this full, yet empty world.
I see around me and I see emotions, I see layers, and I see masks. People clad in clothes, more so clad in masks. I see some people smiling, on the surface as there hearts are void of love and hollow from within.
Why? I ask Myself?...Why is this world layered in masks of disguise, impossible to see through, impossible to lift the veil?...Why, when all we need is a smile, we seek other, more Material things? It feels as if today, we have closed our hearts and our souls. We closed our lives.

In thinking that we will be happy, we seek truth, we seek kindness, we seek someone who cares but all we actually see and get are people with selfish motives, with ideas of greed, of lust, and of lies. I am in pain in seeing this layer of emotions, which has no deep value construct.

And I see all others here laughing, laughing at others, laughing at people who have had lesser opportunities than them. I ask myself, what have those who are being mocked done to be treated this way. People elevate themselves to be superior just so that they make a divergent society built on the lines of anarchy, where only their ego prevails.
People through time have lost what separates us from other species, the Human touch. The way we take care of people and the way we feel noble constitutes that. But we choose to layer our lives, layered in treachery and our own selfishness. We are becoming what we aimed not to become.

In all these sounds that surround me, I feel alone, alone because I choose not to stoop to this level of inhuman behaviour. These people have made walls so high, that even if I want to reach out, these walls and masks keep me away and I can't. And I still see the people around me, Laughing...

The Other Sex

I ask you, what did we do wrong

To be born this way?

You call me the other sex,

You call me a transgender.

I stand on roads, on signals and stations,

To beg for your mercy and kindness.

I am ashamed to ask for help from the hypocritical you.

But yet I live on,

And live to spread the love of God,

To bless all of you, the creations of the lord,

As you look at me, with hatred in your eyes.

Are we all, not children of God?

Do we all not have an equal right to live?

Then why the hate, why not the love,

We only need that to live.

Did we choose this?

Are we actually to blame?

Not even our fellow humans,

Nothing for us to claim.

But yet I smile,

I smile through my tears.

I am stupid to hope for a miracle,

I know you just don’t care.

You see me as an angry transgender,

Always eager to inflict pain,

But have you ever dwelled, oh fellow humans

The reason for your hurtful disdain.

Have you seen the lives we live?

The sadness that lurks in our mind.

The pain, the gloom, and the hatred we bare

Or are you just so blind.

I dream to see a better world,

One where people don’t start walking away me,

One that learns to love all of us,

One with empathy, which feels the pain I see.

Filip- That Day in School

To say that Filip is inquisitive is highly undermining his capability. He looked at everything like it had a mystery that surrounded it, a story to tell and something to explore. In one of the breaks that he got from class, he went out, roamed around the block of his school. He liked his school; he had seen so much there, for him, this was his outer world, away from his home, away from all that keeps him safe. He wanted to explore, go out in the city, roam around and talk to people and to learn from them, learn how they lived, why they smiled and why they were doing things the way they were doing. These were questions going around in his head, moving like mice in a small room. It was Chaotic inside for him to say the least.

He walked around with a smile, knowing that this smile would mostly get him out of trouble in times when he finds himself in some. He trusted people easily, not because he was young or immature by any chance, but if he certainly believed that there is some good resting in all of us, to get that out, you only need a trigger, a trigger of a smile. He went today towards the nursery block of his school; he thought he would look older than the others, which made him feel that he was somehow older than the ones around him. He felt proud, so he went on.

As he reached into the block, he realised that there was one pathway, which lead to the backside of this building, he had never been there when he was in the same nursery, but now he thought he has grown up, and so he went. But as he went closer he felt that he had to be prepared for any bad thing that can happen to him, so he went beside the tree and pick up a small stick, he thought it would scare away any threat, any harm. He went inside, slowly treaded into the path, his path was very small. Both of his sides were walls taller than what he could ever jump. So he knew the only way to get out of this is to keep treading, keep moving. As he walked a few more steps into the straight looking gulley, he saw a rat, big enough to scare him and he jumped and yelled. He then thought to himself that he had already gotten pretty far in this, it was too late for him to back out. Both of his sides that he could see was the same, only slightly curving angulated walls. He decided that he better move on. He kept moving and with every step he came closer to the end of that pathway, As he exited out of the other end, he saw that he was just on the other side of the building from where he started. So it was just the pathway between the block and the school compound wall. He thought to himself, that this was one of the most wasteful things he has done, as he just ran through one side of the building to the other. Little did he know that what he did was overcoming his fears, and seeing something through the end. After he saw what was at the other end, the pathway mystery was solved for him which made it seem less interesting. But the thrill of the journey was something that made him smile, also the satisfaction of finally seeing the truth. He thought to himself, that he would have known this now, if he never made the bold move of going in with just a stick. The Break was over; he went back to his class contently.

As the hour went further, he was called for by a teacher that had taught him when he was in nursery. Filip was quite the favourite for this Mam. Filip had always been fond of chocolates, he was habituated to eating chocolates as his first ever friend, Sharad and him, had always brought chocolates in the class. They were the best of friends, he was Filip’s Best and first friend. They never shared their treats with anyone else. This was the reason for his addiction to chocolates. They made him happy and smiling. He loved them. So Fillu Mam(That was what he called him) had come to his class as she liked to give all the toffees she received from the other kids to him. Filip loved this Mam, as she always brought him chocolates and something to treat on. For him, it was a Noble Act. She always thought he was very cute as he never failed to smile.

 All in all this was a good day, as he found something new about himself and his other home and felt glad that he had the courage to do it. He also got some toffees and chocolates from his favourite mam, which made his day even merrier. He smiled and lived on…

FILIP- The soul of the boy

He looks down on his notebook, looks at the incomplete drawing of Donald duck he was able to make, and smiled at himself. He took the drawing, line by line and perfected it, to the best of his abilities although it needed some more polishing to be done. He could see his drawing popping out and smiling back at him, and then his imaginary beautiful world was broken by the teacher who hit him with a chalk to get him back into the class. He had sensed something of this sort was about to happen so he came back to the real life, promising himself to finish the drawing he was working on in the breakfast break.

The break came soon, and with his eager mind, already having sailed past the teacher’s teachings and the class, into the out world, with his small brain, waiting patiently for it to be active again, he took out his pencil and rubber to draw again. It is like for this boy, the only thing that mattered was to draw, to create something of his own. He did not understand the need of becoming the stone among the other 64 stones which sat in the class, thinking that they were going to learn something. These thoughts were depressing, seeing as they come from an 8 year old, who hasn’t yet seen much of what life entails.

He opened his notebook again, started to draw, as all the other kids went out with their lunchbox, out to play and eat what their mothers had prepared for them. In all this chaos, he was the only one, who sat down even when the teacher had left. Yes, in some time, he did make the Donald duck pretty accurately for his age. He looked at it, and smiled, thinking to himself like he had surpassed another BIG obstacle in life. Eating food was not one of his favourite things to do, so he opened his tiffin, took a bite or two as he walked towards the birds park in his school. He mostly talked to himself, as he thought he needed to explore himself first, in order to be good and acceptable to the outer world. He passed the huge garden where all of his friends were playing and spending there break in the sun, sweating and running across the ground to take possession of a ball. Somehow all this never intrigued him, and so he went away from the screaming and yelling to the place where he could here birds chirp, his heaven. There he took all his food out of the box, and placed in on an elevated ground. This very moment some five or six birds came to him and tried to grab most of what they could get from the food. He sat there, looking at them eat as every bite that they took filled him with inner happiness and life. He sat there as it felt like an eternity to him. The half hour break soon finished and he went back to the class to follow some more of his great endeavours.

He looks at his notebook, the label read:

Name: Filip George Class: II-A School: St. Anthony’s Sr. Sec. School.

He thought to himself, when will this end, he was impatient as all things around him were moving far too slowly from the speed he wanted them to move at. He wanted to reach out, see the world and feel the bad and good parts of life. But he kept his calm, opening back his notebook on to the page where he drew Donald Duck. He saw the drawing and felt that it was incomplete, as it was just a drawing which didn’t relate to a background. For him, the garden backdrop behing the cartoon was as important, if not more, as the cartoon himself.

He wanted to make it feel more alive, he thought of the idea of making an imaginary background for the cartoon he loved a lot. He sat tight, thinking of what to make…