Well i miss the days
when everyone used to make an effort to just see me smile, to just make me want to have fun
i kind off like this too, feels like being in the between, but i have so much on my head that i kind off wish thie day wouldnt come, i do have friends but seem to have lost interest in all of them, lost interest in life as what i want to have is not what i have
this face yaar, its fucking perfect, i so want to keep seeing this, but maybe people dont understand how special they are

More than Myself

She sits now in front of me
Vulnerability shadowed
From the light of the day

In the night, all dark
yet pure and transparent
Being pretty in her own beautiful way

Fluid her thoughts
Stable her mind
I hope our bodies soon entwine.

She looks at me
Some answers to be answered
would never want to see her crying

Because in all of yesterday
and the part of today,
I realised, I am the luckiest
To see her at her best and worst

At times she is sad
Reminiscing the old times
At times she learns to build herself

With her beauty, unscathed
With her kisses, untamed,
She makes me want to love her
More than myself.

Through the night

I am at peace, fluid, agile, vulnerable

Able, weak yet powerful, happy

This moment, this right now, 

Is where I get to feel, to live, to love.

Like an angel she lies down in front of me,

Trying to build something for herself.

pretty, vulnerable, weak yet strong,

Hanging on to her smile

Shying away as she sings what she means

I see her, through her, at her, 

Glancing through all that she wishes to tell,

All that she wishes to share.

"Meri jaan" is what she likes,

and that's exactly what she is.

Sometimes I write, sometimes rewrite

Happy times in my sight

looking at her, now and always

As she sleeps through the night. 

The prayer I would change...

Today, on this day, I saw, I close my eyes and see that prayer, the only time I felt God, the only time I heard him, the only time I have made a real promise, I close my eyes and that church stairs wearing my shorts with my black hands from the lead that played with, I kept my tiffin at that window, on the left side of those stairs, people moving around me as it was morning and all students walking towards the class as I prayed not to get hurt by that teacher whose homework I did not complete, I prayed to listen back to something, to listen to him, my God.

That was the most special moment I have had in my life. Why I saw that today was much out of the love I have for someone, so deep that I cannot contemplate or think this was possible, because in the moment that I sit here and thought about her, and what I feel about her, I wanted to go back to that very moment, to that very prayer and promise and make another promise true to me . so true that I want it to be as pure as the first one, the real one, and I went back in time to see all those things moving just as they were 15 years ago at those same stairs. And what I said to God was to alter that promise, to change that a little, because there is something as important as that moment for me. For the first time in my life, it is because of her that I could relive exactly what happened that day, that Tuesday morning when i was 7.

And yes God, do change and alter it as you know am not lying, and this is important. Very important. I beg you to listen to me , just this once. please...please.
Dont hurt her in any way.....ever...if you see what I feel, then you will listen!

The Limits we create!

Limits are some of the boundaries we create for ourselves, to make us feel safer, yet compromised. We build these imaginary walls to show others that we are average, that we do have some limitations because which we can be accepted in the group of people who walk in synchronised sadness each day from home to work and back.

I have seen myself that these walls seen are just imaginary, pseudo walls that make everyone around us comfortable with their own inefficiencies. We do not realise that it is only when we build something with the least of fear, with the highest of trust in ourselves and be limitless, we can do achieve greatness. Greatness in its true sense is not something material, not something that only the elite community have, it is in all of us, lying beautifully in the shadow of your limits, wishing to be found.

At having told someone that they could challenge something and make sure the work gets done, someone once said to me, "mujhse itna saara ek saath nahi hoga" - "I cannot do so much work at the same time." This was something she was passionate about, but she didn't want to get out of her comfort zone, challenge herself and pursue something. Success can only be attained if you believe that your limits are only reducing your growth and that the real challenge is to move ahead of those limits, surpass these limits, and keep challenge yourself and your limits.

As this journey of challenging yourself takes place, it is understandable for you to fell vulnerable, but that is in fact the spice of life. Imagine if you knew when you died, all the thrill goes out the window. At the end of all of this, you will realise that what you said were limits were not actual limits but mind-blocks in your mind which inhibited you to do what everyone did, "ACCEPT YOUR FATE".

So go ahead.... "Build your fate, brick by brick, fearlessly, persistently." Even the Gods bow down to self - generated greatness. Seek no where else for the motivation that you need. You are your motivation, it has to be internal, as all that is external can leave you, but your soul till you die, won't.

Attachments

What is the use of attaching yourself to people, to find happiness in their smiles and do find satisfaction in their well being. In this world, even if you genuinely do care, what you end up getting is distances, and statements that make you feel that maybe you are not deserving enough. I have learnt that one should not expect something back in return for the good that has been done, but he also should not be misinterpret into something that he hasn't done or something he is not.

As the moment you equalise or misread genuine care to selfish motives, the value of this persons efforts turn to zero. At some point in life, I do think, I am getting increasingly affected by the people around me, and that I am becoming emotional. Maybe that is making me vulnerable to people and their continuous going away.

What is the point when every time you find yourself in your comfort zone, that friend or person drifts away from life leaving nothing but memories. Yes I do miss some people a lot as they were not with me for a condition, they were just there, my wall and my continuous solace. I cry remembering what it was, as maybe I did make the wrong choice, maybe that is what God, if there is one, is avenging right now.

A better situation will be when I stop to attach myself to the ones around me, I know it wont get me positives but it wont get me negatives either. I won't see people leaving, going away and make me feel alone for no reason. why does it only happen when I do like a person, I do want to make them smile and just want to be with them through whatever it is they go through.

I am increasingly wanting to be detached and unaffected as all this has taken a toll on me.

My journey

I walk the paths that are less used

Even when it pulls me down and I am bruised

I look ahead towards a goal unknown 

I see no one beside me, all souls unknown

Seeking a non-existent light at the end of this way

Journeying in the darkness, I know the pain will stay

I tell this to myself each day

That there really is an end, far...very far away

I look back behind me, 

And I see nothing

It's like I am blind, 

No support behind me, 

Even when I never seized to be kind.

Where is that voice, the applauded my deeds

Those people in whom all positive vibes breed

Feel like I am the only one here

That voice, those people are lost, I am clear

The irony of life in its truest sense 

You are alone when you need someone for real

I wish to hide somewhere, where no one would notice

A corner of peace, a world of bliss

The final goal is important, the light that shines

My happiness and success, both it combines

But the journey is what I am scared about

As there is no one to listen , even when I try my best to shout.